#2

The last time I've blogged was almost 2 years ago. A slight update for the past two years. 

- I've transferred from Sunway University to Monash University. 
- Didn't get to complete a transfer to Australia.
- Currently attempting to complete an exchange to Australia instead.
- Got in and out of a relationship, with the person I love the most.

Well, life hasn't been going pretty well for me. It's been a roller coaster ride, filled with ups and downs. My entire life right now is in a turmoil. But it's fine, we learn something over everything that happens. It's life, it's inevitable. We just have to make the best outta it.

Long story short, I got into my first REAL relationship with this girl. Let's call her R. What do I mean by real? By real I mean, someone that can make my heart skip a beat just by her name popping up on my phone, someone that gives me butterflies in my tummy whenever I see her or hear her voice, someone that is always there for me during tough times, someone I can be myself around, someone that I can tell anything and everything to, someone that still chooses me knowing that I'm filled with flaws. Basically she completes me, her love for me is the best feeling in the world, & undoubtedly, my love for her is undying.

Shit happened, we broke up on a mutual agreement slightly after 8 months of being together. Honestly, I didn't wanted to agree with her idea of breaking up because she can't see us going any further based on how the situation was at that time. But one thing I really prioritized was her happiness. I thought that she would be happier that way, I thought that if breaking up makes her happy then I'll comply to it, I thought it was true that if you really love someone, let them go because if she's the one, she'll definitely come back. I was wrong, I was so wrong. That was the worst mistake I can make, my actions have been haunting me everyday till this day.

I believe in one thing. 'Fight for something you truly believe in, never ever give up. Just because you can't have it now, doesn't mean you can't have it later.' With that saying, I returned to her after 7 months of breaking up (we were still friends, we still talk to each other every now and then) to tell her how I've been feeling. I had to pour my heart out, there's no way holding it in. I didn't want to live life regretting on the things I didn't do, I didn't want to spend my entire life thinking of the 'what ifs'. But instead, I want to ensure that I've done what I could and I've tried my best. 

Explanation, I only returned to her after 7 months (I know it's super long) for a few reasons. Firstly, I spent few months after the break up to figure out what went wrong and and what were the mistakes that I've regrettably made. I've got the answer within that few months. But why didn't you explain to her if you already got the answer? Here comes the second reason why, I was so disappointed with myself for letting her down. I couldn't find the guts to go up to her. Frankly speaking, I've sorta feel that I might have taken her for granted during our relationship. & I couldn't face her. 

After confronting her, she took almost a week to give me an answer. & her answer was that she's already moved on. She feels that whatever happened in the past, should stay in the past. She don't see us being a thing again, she lost faith. It was heartbreaking. I don't blame her, not a single bit. I do understand where she's coming from. Who on earth would still have feelings for someone after breaking up for 7 months. This ain't no fairy tale. But it's just so sad that she complete cut off the chances of us being a thing again. & that's that. Nothing more to continue.

I'm pretty secretive with this blog, no one knows of this blog. So here I am, taking the chance to rant everything out in attempt to make myself feel better. I just need to let it out. 

Dear R, I know that it's really unfortunate that we have to end up like this. But there's a few things I wanna say. Everything I'm about to say is from my heart, the heart you touched, the heart that belongs to you, the heart that has immense love for you.

I sincerely wish you all the best in your work and travel, holiday and intern. Hope you'll meet more people, experience a different exposure, and have the best time of your life over there. I'll always be here for you, always. I'll always be the ear to listen to you when you wanna talk about how great your day was or how angry you are or how you've had the best meal over there, the shoulder for you to cry or lean on when you're sad, the person that always support you in whatever you do. Being on the other side of the world from you for 6 months will be very difficult for me. I can promise you that I'll try to move on and learn from my mistakes just like what you've told me to. But, whether if I'll be able to do so will be an entirely different thing. You need to know a couple of things.

You've planted a seed of love in me,
a seed that breeds indescribable, undying love, 
a kind of love that will continue to grow as time passes.

You made me fall heads over heels for you, 
when I fall for someone, I fall really hard and I don't give up on that person,
I will never give up on you. My love for you will never change, it will only grow.

You make me the happiest & luckiest person on earth, 
every minute, every second spent with you feels like paradise.
I cherish all the time I've spent with you, and regret the times I didn't.

You make me feel so special, 
you made me feel real love for the very first time,
that is when I realized that my love for you is genuine, it will always be.

You are the one, 
you might think that I'm just talking shit,
but no. I see you as someone I'll be spending my entire life with. 

One day, one day.
Who knows if the person I eventually become one day, will be person you've been looking for the entire time. I hope it'll be a right person, right timing result for us in the end. 

For now, I guess I just have to try to accept the fact and learn from the mistakes made. & when you return, I'll prove you wrong. I'll show you how much you mean to me and how much I love you.

R, 
I miss you,
and I love you.

7:15AM.